It dissolved like an Alka Seltzer...

My relationship is over. I gave it one more shot out of desperately wanting my children to have the family life they deserve, but life (as usual) has other plans. It went much like an Alka Seltzer tablet, slowly dissolving back into nothing.

Relationships are like clothes. People cannot come in "one size fits all". What fits her might look like shit on me. Some are more comfortable, some are too tight, some itch etc etc. So many people are sucking in trying to zip up that dress when everyone around them KNOWS it isn't going to work out. My relationship was kinda like when you see a cute dress on the hanger and its just so adorable that you have to try it on (aka college). Once you get it on, you start to realize it looked better on the hanger, but by that time its too late and your already pregnant. Then the dress starts falling apart because it wasn't made (raised) well and by then end of that damn dressing room session you are SO glad that stupid thing finally just ripped at the seams on its own because you are exhausted and ready to get the hell out of that store! The next time I ever go "shopping" I am going to be extremely picky stay away from the clothes in the window display (aka athletes).

Another thing I don't understand is the excuse "I guess I just wasn't ready for this". When you do something where you know full well what the consequences will be, like having an orgasm while still inside a vagina for example, and it sprouts legs and acquires a pulse, you have to own it. We have got to own our decisions.
If you were driving and the speed limit went from 55 down to 35, but you didn't slow down, you know there is a chance you will be pulled over. And when the cop asks you why you were still going 55, I dare you to answer him that you guess you "just weren't ready" to go 35, because going 55 is more fun.
No one is the world is ready to do half the shit we get thrown our way. I wasn't ready at 6 years old for my mother to die, and that wasn't even my fault. I'm going to go make a string of bad choices, and when I get sentenced to jail I'm just going to have to let the judge know that I knew what the consequences would be but since I'm only 25 and "not ready" to go to jail, I'm just going to dip out on a vacation for a little until I decide that I'm ready to face the music. Grow. The. Fuck. UP.

"I wasn't ready" is what little kids say when your playing a game and they lose. It is an appropriate excuse for being a loser when your 8. Not 25.
No, you were ready my friend, its just that you are not capable of the task.  You in your most ready state still sucks at the game.

Stupid Baby Stuff

Many of my friends are having babies these days so I thought I would share some insight with you about it:

For starters, I hate highchairs. They get friggin disgusting after each time the kids eat! Ugh! Its gross. But at the same time I like that I can lock them in there, throw some snacks at em', and turn cartoons on to catch 10 minutes to think about what to feed them. But I mostly hate them because they are nasty.

I hate buckling kids into their carseats. I'm not sure why I find it so annoying, I guess it just gets redundant. Not to mention it leaves dents in my leather seats. You will love the day that your toddler sits in one of those booster seat things and uses the regular seatbelt, so start counting down the days to that.

Every mother needs a diaper genie! I have one upstairs and downstairs. They are worth their weight in gold.

If you own a wipe warmer and actually use it, go jump off a bridge. This device is a prime example of what is wrong with society. Babies are born in mud huts made of cow dung in other countries and they are happier and healthier then our children. We are over here ignoring our kids, but making sure we wipe their asses with warm wipes to keep them comfortable. Your baby wouldn't remember even if you wiped them with sandpaper. When your wipe warmer catches on fire and burns down your house Im sure your baby's ass will be realllllly comfortable then while your sleeping at the homeless shelter.
*but you still need the diaper genie. The mud hut cow dung kid does not need one because his house already smells like diapers so its pointless.

When your kid starts moving I urge you to get one of the Play Yard gate things. They bend anyway you want them too and you can buy more and connect them. My entire dining room is now a  play room thanks to linking 2 of these things together. We call it the "Chicken Coop". Children should be crate trained and this gate makes it happen. :)

Dont microwave sanitize everything. OMG after my 1st baby I microwaved sanitized almost every time I made a bottle! Kids need to come in contact with dirt and germs to build their immune system anyways, and Im not sure how healthy microwaving plastic bottles over and over can be. The dishwasher does it juuuuust fine.

You will cry tears of joy the day your child holds their own bottle. Tears. Of. Joy. You can make it, hand it to them, and walk away.

OMG the volunteer fire department just sounded their alarm and my Lukey Boy is FLIPPING OUT!! Suck it up Luke! Your a half black man that is in the 95% for your height and weight! You can't be bawling over a siren.

In the end, babies need to be loved, wanted, and needed, fed, burped and changed. This is really all you need to know :)

Did you REALLY just say that out loud?

Some people are delusional. Have you ever had a conversation with a lunatic like this and as their talking, contradicting themselves and making no sense, your thinking "How the heck do I respond to this with out my IQ dropping 50 points?". I start to get angry because perspective is reality, and their reality is not reality, which is why their perspective is so insane. Either that or because their perspective is that of a sewer rat their reality is insane. It goes either way I guess. But when someone truly believes their contradictory view on a situation, you can't reason with them. You cannot make sense of the senseless. It is extremely frustrating and I get all flustered because I don't know what to say, or if I do say something brilliant and they STILL don't understand it makes me even more frustrated. I feel like I'm trying to order sushi in english to someone who only speaks chinese and is blind. I just have to remind myself that this person makes no sense, and that I care about what they think as much as I care if my shit sinks or floats.

Without people like these psychologists would be out of a job! Not because these screwed up individuals are going to them...oh no way! That would mean they are aware that they are moronic. The one who fills the dr's pockets is the person dealing with the nut-job: me. The name of my blog is so true to my situation. There is so many times I find myself looking around thinking "Is this real life?? Did you REALLY just say/do that?!". In the end, as I try to distance myself from individuals like these more and more, I pity those who are next in line to deal with the totally nonsensical reality that these people live in. Tread carefully. These crazies don't wear the label on their sleeve. They are not the homeless man with the cart under the overpass. They lurk among us and it usually isn't until you attempt to have a serious conversation or address something crazy that they did that you will be completely dumbfounded by the defensive, unintelligent, contradictory conversation that follows. 

What a constipated day..

Ugh. It was just one of those days. Maybe it was the weather. It was dark and rained allll day. I don't seem to ever remember feeling amazing or productive on a day when the weather has been depressing. I should start paying attention to the forecasts so I can forecast my own emotional state. I did, however, un-constipate my daughter with my bare hand and some petroleum jelly, so that was interesting. I feel like that should be a question to have to answer on eHarmony: are you willing to un-constipate someone you love with your bare hands? If you think about it, it is quite a display of how much you love someone and of who you are. It is selfless and you find yourself doing it purely to relive the recipient of the pain they are in, which means you have empathy. You gain nothing from it except a shitty hand and the satisfaction of helping your loved one. If you would rather see someone in pain than lend a helping hand, your not the one for me.

Someone who isn't constipated today is my toddler son, who should be 150% potty trained by now, but he likes to take a nice fat crap in his pants for me when he gets home from preschool. It always tends to happen after dinner when I am busy cleaning up and forget to ask him 2 seconds if he has to go. He becomes very preoccupied doing something that usually has me yelling from the kitchen "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ARE YOU BEING NICE?!" and when I go to see wtf he is doing, it smells like failure in whatever room he was in. Pure failure. Doesn't he know I can't leave him in the play area and go waste an hour at IKEA if he isn't potty trained?! He needs to get his head on straight if he wants his toys and clothes organized in cheap bins on cheap shelves in cheap furniture.

I think the bottom line is that raising three kids (and a dog) alone is hard. And some days (like today) really suck and make me feel almost like a "Im doomed" feeling. But all days are not created equal, and what I would be missing of their little lives if I was off doing anything else wouldn't be worth it anyways. Mama just needs a hot shower and a cold cocktail, which is the exact cure for a shitty constipated day.

My First Time

Ok. I decided to write in a blog. I'm a little nervous about it, but what the heck. I'm nervous that I will be boring, or make people mad, but most of all I am nervous about being completely honest and exposed. I am going to do it anyways because writing is venting and venting is good (well most of the time) and I have no one to talk to for 95% of each day. Anyone who has children and stays at home with them knows the sting of isolation. You are home with 5 million things to do, but nothing is interesting or mentally stimulating. So you are bored with nothing to do, even though you are very busy with 5 million things to do. Makes no sense except to those that live it. So, I guess we shall see how this goes.... :)