I am afraid of failing. Failing at being a good mother, a good partner (one day), and mostly I'm scared of failing at reaching my potential. Sometimes I get nervous that because I am so afraid of failing I won't know what my potential is, and therefore never reach it. Paralyzed by fear. What if I become comfortable being uncomfortable?
I have to admit I have been feeling slightly numb and trapped lately. Like when you first place a hamster in a cage and it goes crazy trying to figure out where he is and how he can get out of it. But after a while, he stops trying. He still doesn't like it in there, but he has convinced himself that he cannot find an exit so he might as well just give up. He accepts his current situation defeated.
My situation and how I have been affected by it has left me not recognizing myself by my own damn self. Makes no sense. My lack of motivation towards the things I need to do or love to do baffles me. If I know I want to do something, and I know it will make me feel better if I do it, then why don't I?!
Why don't we do the things that are good for us?
I have noticed that taking time for myself during the day to be fully devoted to something that I need to do for me (gym, studying for my CSCS, any sort of pampering) makes me feel guilty. I do not know why this is. I feel like I need a reason to do something for my own personal benefit, even though I also understand that doing these things will ultimately benefit my family, my children. But knowing that doesn't change how I feel about it for some reason. If it was someone's birthday or wedding then I feel justified since I am doing this for THEM. It's a strange cycle of ignoring myself.
Once again, why don't I do the things that are good for me?
This is where my strong feeling of "omg am I going to fail?" comes in. I see myself in this pattern of feeling trapped and defeated and then neglecting myself in certain areas that would reverse this feeling. In order to be a good mother, partner, and one day have a great career, I have to change the way I think and ultimately feel (you can know something but not feel the same way about it and let me tell you, 9 times out of 10, the way you feel wins. Well, at least with me).
Maybe its hard to "snap out of it" since I am stuck in a house most of my week with no outside influence except Target and the grocery store. I understand how women get depressed after having babies. Its the best time, but can be very isolating.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to be a woulda coulda shoulda. I do not want to fail.
